Homeless Horoscopes

Scorpio

You’re a nasty piece of work and this is the month to let those qualities shine. Burn the rest of your bridges, narrow your mind a little more and settle all arguments with violence. There will be opportunities to destroy the confidence of a close friend so keep your eyes peeled Scorpio, because if you miss it you’ll never forgive yourself.

Sagittarius

This is a month full of confusion for Sagittarius. It will all start when you misplace your shopping trolley. Try not to take your frustrations out on your imaginary friend. Start looking in stupid places first for example, up a tree, under a coke can or inside a pigeon. Although it seems hopeless, stay strong Sagittarius, you should find it towards the end of the month in your beard or under the bridge where you left it.

Capricorn

You’re about to get your fifteen minutes of fame. The people who own that quiet little stairwell you like to take dumps in have just installed a security camera. You’re about to become an internet sensation but as you will soon see, with celebrity status comes great responsibility. Don’t let it go to your head Capricorn because good things don’t last forever. However... having said that, a smart Capricorn will put on a show and milk it for all its worth.

Aquarius

This month is full of romance for Aquarius as you’re about to meet a prostitute. Although she might not be as ‘alive’ as other prostitutes the two of you will hit it off nicely. The sex will be free and you’ll even get to kiss her on the lips but don’t sell your heart to soon Aquarius. Like all the other women you’ve ever known she’ll end up a little too high maintenance for your liking and you’ll have to let her go.

Pisces

You’re an odd soul Pisces and you do a lot of things that in some circles could be considered weird. This month you’ll find yourself doing them to the ducks in the park. It’s not a crime to be lonely but expect a lot of criticism from passer bys. If confronted, a few short bursts of loud swearing should put their mind at ease. As usual, keep away from Scorpio.

Aries

You’re definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed but this month you’ll prove to everyone that you are at least a tool. Don’t be surprised if you start forgetting the little things like; your name, your pants or how to walk. There is a very real chance of a hiccup when it comes to your home life so keep an eye out for a new cardboard box.

Taurus

This is a month jam packed with conflict. Your stubbornness will put you in an uncomfortable position with your imaginary friend but stand your ground Taurus. The world is flat! If it wasn’t . . . we’d all fall off! He can show you all the globes in the world but you know best. Remember Taurus, if God didn’t want you to be right then he wouldn’t have made it so perfectly clear that you were.

Gemini

This month you’re going to make a huge effort to turn your life around and get back into society. Although your intentions are pure, hugs and kisses will not break down the walls between you and the non-homeless people. On the upside you will get arrested, charged with assault and land a few nights in luxury accommodation with three meals a day and a brand new outfit.

Cancer

Get that lump checked.

Leo

Are you sick and tired of being hungry Leo? Well stress less because gone are the days over rummaging around in rubbish bins and licking the cheese off pizza boxes. Sometime throughout this month you’re going to find a brand new mouse trap and a mobile phone. Throw the phone away but hold on to the mouse trap. Now instead of chasing food around like a Neanderthal you can relax in your ‘box sweet box’ and let the food come to you. There’s plenty to go around Leo so don’t forget to share.

Virgo

This month you will find yourself in the path of a speeding car. My suggestion is to get out of its way. Otherwise you could get hurt and by hurt I mean decapitated. Although it may sound like a great way of shedding a few unwanted pounds the long-term effect is really quite unattractive. Whatever you decide to do in this situation will have a large impact on what happens next month. Either way, avoid wearing white pants after the 15th.

Libra

This is the month to take up a new hobby. Something you haven’t tried before like spitting on people. At first you’ll feel that you’re not very good at it but persevere Libra, before long you’ll be able to do it with your eyes closed. As usual keep away from sharp objects and anything that has a police uniform. There might also be a dinner date with a Leo towards the end of the month.